BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST A BRICK WALL
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CHAPTER 8 – BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST A BRICK WALL
Desperate in the quest for change, I fell short countless times, unable to find the key to unlock the power to do so. I immersed myself in anything I felt would assist in cracking this nut. Several ways I approached this conundrum were to study the bible using the concordance my brother gave me, reading Norman Vincent Peale’s “The Power For Living”, and becoming “born again” for the next two years. During that time span I diligently took apart every verse from the New Testament and interpreted it its modern context. The result: I was still that stubborn, rude, and unfriendly human being who I loathed, even though I gained a deeper spiritual practice.
At this stage of my life, the shadow of the Seeker archetype was emerging as I drifted from one author’s tenet on truth to another’s. I had no idea what exactly I was looking for; I only knew it was something other that what I presently had. In Ms. Myss’s words, I truly was that “lost soul”, someone on an aimless journey without direction, ungrounded, and disconnected from goals and others.* A few of the books I began to comb through focused on self-improvement, such as Nathaniel Brandon’s, “How to Raise Your Self-Esteem”, or M. Scott Peck’s, “The Road Less Traveled”. In no time at all, my shelves were overflowing with books whose author’s offered a variety of steps, actions, methods, and ways to find your truth through self-love, wholeness, happiness, and self-respect; everything I lacked. There was another battle taking place, this time it was between the Seeker, who wanted to find the answer to my spiritual bankruptcy, and the Addict, who was holding on to my powerlessness. The two were at odds, as I devoured the material before me, comprehending it in theory, but unable to integrate into my consciousness. The Addict was running circles around the Seeker, as the “black hole”, still residing in the pit of my stomach, overflowed with external substances. It was saturated with everything other than than feeling love for myself.